So, it’s almost Mother’s Day. Another brilliant Hallmark holiday – a complete makey-uppy day devised by brands to enforce consumerism. Not that I am cynical, it is supposed to be a celebration of Motherhood and all our fabulousness. And I, for one, am totally down with that. Milk it mums, I say.
For one whole, glorious day, we can slap ourselves on the back – hell, we’re pretty brilliant, our bodies have grown tiny little human beings for God’s sake, and we’ve made it through relatively intact (if you don’t count the gravity issues). So, in the spirit of swapping my selfless (some say martyr) self for my selfish self for one day only, here is a list of things I ACTUALLY want for Mother’s Day or ANY day ANY time soon.
*Boxes of chocolates, supermarket flowers and over-powering scents need not apply*
A cleaner for a whole day
No, scrap that, a group of cleaners. Yep, one to clean all those really annoying dirty spots that drive you mental – layers of porridge on the backs of chairs, toothpaste on really (really) obscure places, drawings on parts of walls you never knew they could climb to, that kind of thing. If that somebody could actually get to the bottom of the ironing basket for the first time in months, I will give them a medal. And the Hot Press… wow, the novel experience of being able to find an entire matching set – all at the same time!
A wardrobe de-clutterer
I know a great gal who does this for a living, and she is my hero (Yes, Annmarie O’Connor, I am looking at you), but I’d probably be too embarrassed to invite her into my wardrobe right now. Imagine a life where you never uttered the words “I have nothing to wear” And if suddenly your same-old outfits turned into multiple variations of look you never thought you could get from a few old love-worn pieces. No more stumbling around your wardrobe in the mornings to find something (clean) to wear to work. She also takes you shopping and knows exactly what you should wear, and what NOT to wear.
A massage in my bedroom
No getting in the car, no crazed oil-slicked hair and mascara running down your face in public, no kids anywhere near the house. Pure, unadulterated bliss. Nothing comes close. Only a bottle of wine to yourself, a jar of peanut butter and a giant block of dark chocolate comes a close second.
An ACTUAL lie-in
Please tell me I am not alone in this: when your other half is having a lie-in, they get a proper, peaceful snooze. You tip-toe out of the room and ban the kids from anywhere near him so that he gets the best rest he can get. Because you’re good like that. When the tables are turned and it’s your attempt a lie-in, the kids visit your bedroom at least seven times, two of those are are full-blown meltdowns due to an altercation over who has the iPad, and your ‘restful’ morning consists of drifting in and out of some kind of Chinese torture-camp daze, with around three panic-attacks thrown in when they barge through the door to ask you to find their lost teddy/lego/doll. You eventually get up feeling worse than you would have if you hadn’t slept at all. This year, I have all my hopes pinned on a real, no-noise, no-interruption kip of my life. Fingers and toes crossed.
All the homemade, creche and school Mother’s day paraphernalia
The best part of Mother’s day is all the drawings, the hand-made cards, the lollipop sticks with paper flowers, the hand-prints and the cutest little drawings that your little tots have poured over in their schools all week. You you cherish these more than any of the material things, of course. But I still want ALL of the above, thanks.
