Disclaimer: I like The Man, I may even love him. But he is also the bane of my existence. In many ways the fact that he is still capable of eliciting such an emotional response in me after nearly a decade of living together is probably a good sign. We haven’t slid into apathetic resignation quite yet. We’re still ranting and raging at each other and fighting about the pettiest things imaginable.
When living with someone it is usually the little things that are the most enraging. Mainly because they’re so avoidable and easily rectified. I feel like I could forgive him ANY transgression if he would just use the onion board for onions only. Is it so hard?
To prevent my murdering him in his sleep, I’ve decided to exorcise my rage here with this list.
10 (really petty, low-grade) things I hate about The Man
1 When doing the dishes after dinner takes the phrase ‘doing the dishes’ very literally, doesn’t appear to consider the pots and pans as part of the umbrella term. They are.
2 Feigns sleep in the middle of the night when the baby’s crying. (Okay I admit it two can play that game.)
3 Never, never, NEVER steeps a bowl. Why? It’s so easy to do and then saves so much effort at a later point.
4 When I’m singing or humming a song he starts a rival song, thus drowning out MY song.
5 Retreats to the loo with phone in hand at key moments. Like minutes before visitors arrive or when the baby has done an explosive poo. Then I can hear him in there laughing away to himself most likely at emojis of pandas juggling.
6 Eats everything. If I neglect to hide my treats after the weekly shop I can forget about them.
7 Constantly tinkering with low grade DIY projects such as his patented child-proofing kitchen solutions – at best this involves masking tape and twine, at worst hammering a nail into the brand new work top. An abject refusal to outsource anything to a more qualified professional.
8 When questioned can never, EVER recall when the baby was last changed. Judging by the sag I would say not since I left the house that morning.
9 When opening condiments for the first time, removes the seal and places it on the counter where traces of sauce will cause it to adhere to the surface.
10 Tells me to “calm down”. The least calming instruction in the English language.
That is all.
