People say that when faced with extreme situations one learns profound truths about oneself.
Parenthood also teaches us about ourselves, though some of the insights may not be considered profound exactly, learning just how okay you will become with another person’s bodily secretions is hardly the stuff of deep philosophical and emotional insight. Still it makes for an undeniably interesting ride.
10 things you learn about yourself when you have kids
1. Patience may not be your strong suit
Since becoming a mother I have screamed into pillows and slammed doors and kicked The Man’s bike when he parked it in the living room. It is just a frustrating emotional time…
2. You haven’t smelled ANYTHING until you’ve smelled your baby’s head
What is it about the baby head smell. It’s nearly edible it’s so delicious.
3. You will (incredibly) be able to survive on no sleep, not just little sleep but NO sleep, zero, zip, zilch, nada hours spent unconscious
4. You will find that being chronically underslept starts to feel like a natural manic sort of high
Ride that no-sleep mania it will get you through the first 18 months of no sleep.
5. You are capable of spending hours literally HOURS staring at your baby
They’re like lava lamps.
6. You may underneath it all actually be a really unreasonable person
Prolonged sleep deprivation just brings out the crazy. Pre-parenthood if things pissed you off you were able to maintain a polite exterior, post-baby this kind of will and restraint requires effort that you may no longer possess. See also 10 dick moves I’ve done when sleep-deprived and mildly insane. Also, once you start making your own people, other people start to seem surplus to requirement.
7. You’re not as organised as you thought you were
Babies test your efficiency massively. Pre-baby if you were the kind of person who thrived on planning and schedules and order than prepare to lose all control of your life. If you’ve always been a chaotic person, then you will be totally at home in the manic pandemonium of parenthood.
8. You are really, really crazy good at animal noises.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for just how good my dolphin impersonation was going to be. It’s like going through your entire life and never realising that you are in fact an incredible juggler or an opera singer. You will also make said animal noises out and about and hardly even notice you are doing it. In the supermarket last week I was making that exceptionally realistic dolphin “EEeeeeeeee, EEEEEEEHHHHH” to my son’s delight and for a few minutes I couldn’t understand what people were looking at until I remembered not everyone is accustomed to hearing crazily life-like animal noises in the biscuit aisle.
9. You will start talking yourself
When the baby arrives you will babble to them all day every day, giving them a running commentary along the lines of “now we’re going to change the nappy”, “now we’re going to go to the loo”, “now we’re putting the washing on the line”. The endless verbalising will then start to leak into every other part of your life until one day when the baby is now where nearby and you are totally alone you will tell yourself that “we’re going to the loo” or “we’re making a sandwich.” It just happens.
10. You will feel love like you’ve never felt love before
I believe that the official term for this is the payoff.
