Last week, Rebecca Marie of eco-lingerie company, Piper Marie, wrote an open letter ‘Dear Moms Using Formula’ which sparked a lot of reaction on our Facebook page.
This is the case pretty much every time babyfeeding is debated in the public domain and each time I can’t help but wonder why, just WHY it is virtually impossible to say anything about breastfeeding or formula feeding without pissing absolutely everyone off?
When I started breastfeeding my son, I was crap at it. Virtually nothing seemed to be coming out. I was repeatedly told that every woman can breastfeed. This was not helpful. And I truly doubt it’s veracity. I have met many, many women who were unable to breastfeed. I was told endlessly to hang on in there for one more feed, that every feed counts. This, of course, is true. And I tried to hang in there as so many do but it seriously took its toll on me. (Just me now, I’m not speaking in generalisations here.) Of course, I know that it is the best nutrition for a newborn baby and breastfeeding has a host of other great benefits for the physical and emotional health of a baby and mother. But at some point I had to ask the question, which benefits my son more; the optimum nutritional start in life or the optimal emotional start? Does my baby need breast milk more than a rational, calm, balanced mother? Again just my experience of breastfeeding, I’m not saying other breastfeeding mothers aren’t totally serene and calm, it just brought the cray out in me.
I find sometimes those who are vehemently pro-breastfeeding are in danger of undermining their own very valid arguments with an approach that can be perceived as being too dogmatic. Despite my lack of success in the area, I count myself as hugely pro breastfeeding but on a wider level I aim to be pro mothers, in general, so telling an exhausted, depleted woman that every woman can breastfeed (which was my experience) is hard for me to understand. Sometimes it can feel that strong supporters are so committed to supporting mothers in breastfeeding that they seem to be reluctant to acknowledge that some women really can’t breastfeed for reasons of physiology or state of mind. Or they simply choose not to. And the implication seems to be that women who choose to bottle-feed are in some way uninformed or misguided – which as a bottle-feeding mother I don’t believe to be the case, thanks to the efforts of organisations like Cuidiú and Irish maternity hospitals information and support for breastfeeding is readily available.
Pro-breastfeeders may feel that pieces like this, that do not categorically and unquestioningly support breastfeeding outright should not be published especially with Ireland’s low breastfeeding rate.
Bottle-feeders may roll their eyes at yet another piece about a mother doing everything she could to breastfeed before succumbing to the ‘evils’ of formula.
Others still may be sick to death of talking about babyfeeding full stop.
Here’re my 10 reasons why it’s impossible to say anything about babyfeeding:
1. For a LOT of mums, this issue is an emotional minefield. Whether you’re feeling defensive, hurt, judged, or blessed… it just brings up a lot of our personal stuff.
2. A lot of the people who are reading and commenting on the debate are at their most vulnerable (and let’s face it, exhausted) when forming opinions – we’ve got newborns no wonder we kind of get heated and strident.
3. For many of us as new mums, we are feeling a bit lost and confused in the first weeks of parenthood maybe breastfeeding was not coming as easily as we’d hoped and this can lead to feeling like we are failing.
4. For formula feeding mums hearing other women say they feel like failures for “resorting” to bottle feeding, well that can feel like a bit of a kick in the face also.
5. When you’ve got a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Sometimes our responses to the breast/bottle debate are really interesting and relevant and sometimes our responses are knee-jerk and born out of our fears and insecurities about how we are doing as parents. I am definitely guilty of this.
6. The ‘we’ versus ‘they’ thing – Dividing breastfeeding mothers and bottle feeding mothers into ‘us’ and ‘them’ is such a mistake and really alienates us from the whole tribe of mothers that a lot of the rest of the time is a really lovely thing to be a part of.
7. Seeking a definitive answer and unanimous agreement on a decision that is so intimate and personal is impossible and it is not necessary. The aim for this discussion should be, “how best can we support all mothers in their individual choices?” The answer is information without pressure.
8. It’s so hard to be measured when thinking about this issue. And I don’t know why this is? I can take a guess from a personal perspective but that is all. Why this debate gets me personally riled up is because I have been directly criticised by others for my choices (I presume most women have experienced this, yes?). I consider myself to be an ambi-feeder by necessity rather than choice (though even saying that pisses the bottle feeder in me off a little bit!): I breastfed(ish), bottle fed(ish) and pumped (A LOT) and I have felt criticised for each of these methods in one way or another. I reckon the key is to stop caring and focus on my family.
9. People who hold the extreme views (I’m talking pro or anti-breastfeeding here) are, I suspect, in the minority but they often shout the loudest this can often come off sounding antagonistic and patronising.
10. It’s none of our business how another woman chooses to feed her babies. This issue is bigger than any one person’s opinion or experience and ultimately as mothers we need to be happy and satisfied that our decisions are the best for us and our families.
A final word on mothers: Well done to all of us for feeding our babies however we damn well please. That is all.
