I would like to go on record as saying that I am totally allergic to people calling to my door unnanounced.
We all know the story; you have just gotten most of the dinner into the kids (and plenty of it on the floor as well as some smudged into the dog’s fur), one of them has chucked a yoghurt over the bin lid, the other is licking potato waffles directly out of the freezer.
You are trying to do the ‘grown up’ dinner too, juggling hot pots and kettles and holding kids and dogs back from the cooker with alternative feet.
Any patience you had at the beginning of the day, or even at 4pm, is lost. This is ‘Witching Hour’ – 5pm until whenever you get them to bed – everyone is cranky and irritable but you can just about manage it without losing your hair..
..UNLESS the doorbell rings.
You hear it but you don’t believe it – it’s dinner time! Who in their right mind would call to a house in a young housing estate, at dinner time?!
You stomp up the hallway with a trail of tears, barking, wailing and boiling pots in the background, yoghurt on your jeans, sweat on your brow. You fling the door open, ready to kill and are greeted with the face of a stranger, beaming at you from ear to ear in a manner that can only be described as borderline psychotic.
‘Hi, how are you this evening?!’ they’ll chirp.
Like they can’t see that you live in hell.
‘Now, don’t worry, we’re not looking for any money..’
They always begin like this and when they finally get to the point, it turns out that they need either;
A) €80 a month for the rest of your life in a contract so complicated that you would need to go on the Judge Judy show to get you out of it,
B) To switch your electricity account in 74 easy steps if you could just sign in blood here,
OR (and the worst of all in my opinion)
C) For you to sponsor their kid’s boxing club “coz they’re going to the world championships in Berlin”.. but they don’t bring their actual kid with them (that is what is known as a SCAM)
So, dear callers, here are the new rules:
1. Don’t ask for money
I am a very charitable person and don’t need your guilt trip at dinner time, when I already feel guilty for making shite out of the potatoes, please and thank you.
2. We’re already great gas
There is no actual way I am going to hand over my personal information to a complete stranger at the door, whether that be my current gas supplier, my PPS number or my star sign. Just leave the info so I can decide in peace at home later. Haven’t you heard of stranger danger?!
3. Get a grip with modern technology
Grown adults with sponsorship cards calling door-to-door should be outlawed or at the very least, learn how to set up a FundIt campaign online.
4. Nobody believes you
Why do you have to start with the lies and manipulation? We are all very familiar with your opening lines at this stage so ‘This will only take a minute of your time’ should really get an upgrade. How about ‘This is going to wreck your head for the next seven minutes, can you handle it?’ At least that might give me a laugh..
5. Choose your battles wisely
Any house that has kids in it has a window of about seven minutes in any 24 hour period where it is ok to just call unannounced. I think it’s something like 3.04pm. If you want a reception that is something other than ‘Can you hurry this up as my kitchen is about to burn down’, then that’s when you should call.
Otherwise, carry on to the next victim. I mean, house.
Do cold callers drive you crazy too? Let us know in the comments!
