What most people don’t understand that first moment that they see the positive wee-stick in the loo is that this private act of making a baby is about to become seriously public.
Apparently by carrying your child and raising them here on Earth, you are actually inviting the entire human race into your life, to pass judgement on what they most likely deem to be your feeble efforts in the parenting department and to repeat endless and vaguely meaningless phrases pertaining to the feeding, sleeping and eating that are helping NO ONE. Humanity I implore thee ENOUGH with the clichés already.
10 parenting clichés I might scream if I hear one more time:
1. “Is he good?”
Well, he’s a baby so presumably, he’s not evil? I hope? Yet?
2. “Does he sleep for you?”
No. He’s a baby so, no. Please don’t remind me of this.
3. “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
Just no. I’ll be sparing the child thanks, the ‘rod’ can eff off.
4. “Are you feeding him yourself?”
Well… yes. Why? Are you offering to step in and feed him for me?
5. “Soak it all up.”
Usually in response to some fairly reasonable gripe about not sleeping. We can be soaking it up at the same time as moaning about being tired. We’re mothers and therefore untouchable in the multi-tasking stakes.
6. “Does he not have…?”
Insert whatever random item that I, in my ineptitude, have not provided for my son thus setting him on the path to a life of personal failure and crime. You know, like socks or something.
7. “It’s just a phase…”
B*tch please… I KNOW it’s just a phase, it doesn’t make the fact that The Child won’t stop grabbing my face every two minutes any easier.
8. “Make the most of this time because once they’re running around…”
This one’s usually directed at a new mother by the mother of a toddler and seems to ROUNDLY ignore the fact that nothing, NOTHING is worse than sleep deprivation. Not even toddler tantrums. And this is coming from someone in the throes of the dreaded terrible twos currently. Side-note: I am definitely guilty of the make-the-most-of-it cliché and would like to publicly apologise to the woman of the newborn in Ikea upon whom I inflicted this bit of unsolicited non-wisdom. I’m sorry.
9. “If you think THIS is bad, wait until…”
Who exactly is this helping? Foreshadowing future parental woes only fills us with needless dread. I thought it was going to get easier NOT harder???
And finally, one great cliché that I’ll admit is true and wonderful:
10. “It’s the best thing you’ll ever do…”
Main image via Flickr
