Peak married is the phrase I use to describe what’s happened to myself and The Man after nearly a decade of domestic bliss.
It’s those unnerving signs that you’re just a couple of pairs of stretchy pants and a bucket of fried chicken away from never experiencing romance again (or else having an affair). Of course having a child doesn’t exactly help the matter either – see our 10 sexual positions only parents will know for further info on the libido-crushing effects of children.
10 signs that you have hit peak married
1. Getting waaaaaaaay too excited about fairly minor events. When you’re married expectations for excitement plummet so even just sleeping on the other side of the bed can be deemed news-worthy. When a gourmet food shop opened near us we were way OTT enthusiastic. We went there, and I told the butcher that this was the most exciting thing to happen to me in years – I was holding my infant son at the time. Doh.
2. If anyone is squeezing spots either in the presence of the the other person, or (dear god) squeezing the spots OF the other person.
3. Revenge farting – The practice of not just farting in front of each other but actually farting ON the other person as an act of retribution.
4. When someone is rolling the other person over in bed. Okay, when he is rolling me over in bed (I was about 10 years pregnant at this point and unable to manoeuvre the bump unaided).
5. When you decide to watch another episode of Grand Designs rather than have sex.
6. When, if you do manage to have sex it is over in under five minutes, ditto if you are having sex with the lights off and your clothes still on. Peak married.
7. Last week The Man gave me a kiss goodbye… while I was doing a wee. If ONLY this was a joke.
8. When you start ccing one another on emails to remember to inform the other person of important developments. This practice came about after I forgot to tell The Man that our next door neighbour had died
9. If you are having a relaxing shower and realise that not one but TWO people are in the room with you and one of those people is definitely doing a number two. Peak Married. Similarly whenever The Man tries to talk to me from inside the toilet. Let’s just work on keeping toilet time as me time, okay? I don’t want to talk to you when you’re in there.
10. When you really really look forward to NOT seeing each other for a while.
10a. When you see each other again and the first thing you think is “FFS that’s still the same tee-shirt he was wearing when I left four days ago.”
