Agreeing to an appointment or even meeting up with a friend prior to 11 am is always going to be a stretch for me, I’m a late person.
Throw a toddler, breakfast, packed lunches, and creche drop-offs into the mix and it’s incredible that I ever make it anywhere before midnight.
10 Signs That You’re Definitely NOT Going to Make That Coffee Morning/Business Meeting/Appointment:
1. You woke up early
Like, so early it still sort of feels like yesterday. One would think that being dragged from the bed at 4.45 am by a manic toddler who has decided that it is playtime (also known as f*ck-the-toys-all-over-the-goddamn-house time) would at least mean you get a head start on the day but in reality it is all you can do to mainline coffee nevermind getting a head start. I am not an early bird. I find I waste this ‘head start’ time playing ‘cars’ and staring at a wall like a zombie until quite out of the blue, it is 8.45 am and I’m officially back to being behind on the day.
2. You woke up late
I know, I know the likelihood of sleeping late with children is extremely slim but then one day out of the blue those adorable little bast*rds will do it to ya. Ironically after two years of being chronically under-slept and reasonably high functioning on next to no sleep it can be weirdly debilitating and disorientating actually getting a bit of a rest. Not to mention: BAH, we’re laaaaaate.
3. The toddler won’t get dressed
EVER. Anyone else experiencing this? Anyone? He’s so particular about what he’s wearing; he’s like a two-foot Liberace.
4. The baby has decided to sleep randomly, meaning your boobs are about to explode
As a parent, planning any event at a set time is like begging the universe to mess with you. That is just a fact. If you had nowhere to go right now that baby would be up with the birds and happily munching away on the booby or bottle. HOWEVER because you tried to make plans, instead now you are torn in the most frustrating parenting question known to man: let the baby sleep? Or wake it up? What do I DOOOOOOOOOO???
5. The toddler just put jam all over his head
I don’t habitually leave the toddler alone with jam. Most of the time the jam is firmly sealed, locked away in an out of reach press, in another room. And yet the toddler invariably finds it and invariably smears it all over his head.
6. The Man has rushed out having announced five minutes ago that “he’d really like to get in early today.”
“We’d all LIKE to be getting in early,” I scream-think as he heads out the door. Some of us have to do the creche drop off that is basically a 40-minute extraction of my son from my body that makes me feel 100 per cent shit and makes me late, so very late.
7. You tried to do ‘smokey eye.’
Okay, this is not child-related, I’m just terrible at makeup. I always attempt an ambitious eye shadow look when the morning appears to be running smoothly, it the quickest way to ensure that the illusion of control and organisation is about to come crashing down.
8. The toddler wants Monkey, but Monkey is upstairs so you try to fob him off with Ted
Ted will not f*cking do and now instead of just going up and getting Monkey the first time he asked, I’ve wasted an extra eight minutes trying (in vain) to convince him that Ted is just as good (he’s not). Sigh. And we’re late.
9. The baby is having a shit-up-the-back situation
Always, always, always when I’ve got one foot out the door. I’m probably going to have to cut him out of it. And I will not be making that coffee morning.
10. You’re so tired that you officially give zero f*cks at this point
The biggest obstacle to trying to get anywhere or doing anything has to be the fact that I think I’m a bit beyond caring at this point. I try to hurry the toddler along and hurry myself out the door but let’s face it, it’s near impossible to care on 744 consecutive days of broken sleep. At this stage, I’m past fretting.
