I am in possession of a spirited (demented) toddler who is currently struggling with a lot of emotional issues (mainly having parents I think).
I have tried to be calm, rational and sensible. That didn’t work. Then I tried joining him in his tantrums until I noticed that he seemed to be inspired by the spectacle and picking up tips from my shit fit. Next I tried matching each of his ‘NOs’ with my ‘NOs’ in a kind of escalating and vaguely mental ‘No Off”, that got us ‘NO’where. Then I tried wine which got me a little tipsy and then A LOT hungover, so I abandoned that method.
Then I tried screaming into a pillow.
10 totally reasonable things that I wish my child would understand:
1. Sometimes I need to lie down without someone standing on my face.
2. My speaking to someone else is not an invitation to commence screaming one’s face off.
3. This glass of red ‘juice’ is not suitable for babies.
4. My plate of toast is not interfering with your day in ANY way; there is no need to push it off the table.
5. I love you; I am not trying to wreck your life when I stop you from careening down the stairs.
6. Sleep is a restorative process essential to all humans, please just give it a try, PLEEEEASE.
7. ‘No’ is not the answer to EVERYTHING.
8. Holding my hand is not a punishment, it is an effort to save you from oncoming traffic.
9. I am sorry if my constantly smelling your head and neck is tiresome and a little creepy. I simply cannot STOP.
10. I love you, everything I’m doing is because I love you. (Except the sneaking into the kitchen without you, that I am doing because I love chocolate.)
Main image via Wikipedia
