The Child is 2-years-old, has never been a good sleeper and I’m 82 per cent certain is kind of out to get me.
I am tired.
17 stages of nighttime as told by a very tired person:
Stage 1 – 7.15 pm: Urge to go to bed rising
I wish I could just head off to bed and let The Child make his own way up whenever he’s ready. I wish someone would tuck ME in.
Stage 2 – 8.17 pm: Finally cajole The Child into the cot with cars, Bear, bottle, songs, books, puppet show and my one-woman show “Get the f*ck in to bed before I scream!!!!”
Ah finally I can have a little relax.
Stage 3 – 9.30 pm: Fall asleep on couch while attempting to “spend time with The Man”
Stage 4 – 10.00 pm: Wake up and trudge up to bed to read
Stage 5 – 10.10pm: Wake up with a start at the book falling onto my face
Accept that the quiet evening post bedtime is over and I have to go to sleep exactly NOW, in order to get up in eight hours (HA) time.
Stage 6 – 12.15 am: Ominous rumblings from next door, soon intensify into full-blown shouts
“Muma, muma, muma, muma, MUMA, MUMA, MUMAAAAAAAAAAA.”
“He’s calling you, I think,” says The Man. Damn it, he’s right. Trudge into The Child’s room and embark on further sleep negotiations, this time, involving nappy check, bottle proffering, bring child into own bed, return child to cot when he informs me (through kicking) that co-sleeping is out, humming, and blanket arranging. Trudge back to own bed.
Stage 7 – 12.48 am, 1.03 am, 1.22 am, 1.35 am: Repeat stage 6 between 3 and 8 times for the next two hours
Will to live gradually ebbing away.
Stage 8 – 1.46 am: Nudge The Man awake then pretend to be asleep
Don’t want him to feel left out of all the nocturnal fun.
Stage 9 – 1.49 am: Listen to The Man’s feeble pleading
Decide that pretending to be asleep is not as restful as actually being asleep.
Stage 10 – 1.52 am: Swap places with The Man
Lie down on floor beside cot with a blanket and stick a hand in to soothe The Child. Child grabs hand, rolls over on top of it and appears to go to sleep. Any attempts to quietly extract hand are met with outrage: “MUMA, NO.”
Stage 11 – 2.00 am: Accept new sleeping arrangement
Fall asleep in this position because that, my friends, is the definition of true tiredness.
Stage 12 – 4.08 am: Wake up due to unpleasant affliction known as Cold Hand
The arm that’s been held prisoner inside the cot is now freezing.
Stage 13 – 4.10 am: Internal debate rages regarding potential risk of withdrawing arm
Silently… slowly… caaaarefully…. slide arm out of cot and back under blanket.
Stage 14 – 4.14 am: Toy with idea of returning to own bed
After the success of Operation Arm Retract, start to slide towards the door. Freeze when “MUMA, NO” rings out in the darkness. Ease back under blanket and accept fate, floor sleeping is better than no sleeping.
Stage 15 – 4.45 am: Still can’t get back to sleep
Child is actually snoring now beside me, oh the cruel irony of it all.
Stage 16 – 5.13 am: Am officially awake for the day, there’s no going back now
Raging.
Stage 17 – 7.30 am: Take perverse pleasure in waking The Child up for breakfast
Now I understand why my mother was so harsh getting me up for school with a wet rag to the face.
