Trigger Warning: This article contains a lot of genitalia chat, so if that’s not your thing perhaps you could enjoy this piece about bikini waxing instead… oh, wait.
So it’s not like I needed a whole lot of warning about penis’, obviously, I had an encounter with one en route to the delivery ward, but a little heads up would’ve been nice regarding the whole boys using their penis as a tool for mischief thing is all I’m saying.
Making a human with different junk to you can be something of an eye-opener. The willy pulling was a bit unnerving for starters (it just looks like it shouldn’t stretch that far).
5 Things NO ONE Warned Me About Boy Babies:
1. The Circumcision Decision
Okay, this is probably only an issue for a small section of Irish society but as the co-parent of a Jewish(ish) man who proudly wears his eagle bald it was up for debate in our house. I, for one, was terrified. The penis was so small when The Child was born how would they accidentally not snip the whole thing off by mistake? On the other hand, would he be traumatised when he was older by having a different style of willy to his own dad? Would The Man be able to advise him on operating his fore-skinned willy having had no hands on foreskin experience of his own?
2. The Piss Range
So the first time The Child pissed on me I was too stunned to take cover and just took it full in the face. Subsequently, I have made it my mission to raise awareness of this issue or Pissue (as I call it). Every time I meet a new boy baby and his mother I ooh and ahhh and then fix her with a (possibly demented) stare and hiss: “He’s cute but watch him, he’ll piss all over you first chance he gets.”
3. Baby Boners
So baby boners are a thing. An involuntary yet creepy, creepy thing that seriously NO ONE ever mentioned. The first time it happened I was a bit traumatised. I’d like to think I have matured somewhat since, though this articles’ very existence does seem to suggest otherwise.
4. The Testicle Thing
I won’t dwell on this but…
Poo is really hard to get out of teeny, tiny wrinkles. Tiny testicles are more wrinkly than a tiny, hairless pug. Ergo baby balls are a bitch to clean. That is all.
5. What to call it?
Anything cutesy feels vaguely demeaning; wee wee, pee pee, wee willy winky. Anatomically correct is obviously a good way to go though a running joke has started up involving “Penis the Menace” (penis pronounced to rhyme with ‘Dennis’), this is especially pertinent regarding point 3.
