Pre-baby I imagined parenthood as a magical time of Pinterest and crafts and tender cuddles and gentle baby coos and puréeing organic whatevers purchased at the local farmers market where the baby and I would stroll each Sunday looking for a the world like we’d just stepped out of Instagram. WRONG.
In fact, I reckon parenthood can be broken down into much more mundane parenting essentials. And so behold Parenting by percentages – The breakdown EVERY parent knows…
1. Parenthood is 80 per cent rice cakes, 20 percent bananas.
2. Parenthood is 28 per cent hugs; 22 per cent worrying that they’re getting Weetabix on your clean shirt and 50 per cent SQUEEEEE because an adorable tiny little person is hugging you.
3. Parenthood is 48 per cent saying “NO” and 52 per cent shouting your child’s name in that weird ‘mum-voice’ that manifested as soon as they learned to crawl.
4. Parenthood is 50 per cent trying to get them to go to sleep and 50 per cent staring at them while they sleep because they’re so beautiful.
5. Parenthood is 8 per cent feeling in control of the situation and 92 per cent walking around with a baby sick down your back that you have no idea is there.
6. Parenthood is 32 per cent drinking wine and 68 per cent calculating how much wine you can drink before you have to pump your boobs.
7. Parenthood is 72 per cent pretending to be asleep, so the other half has to tend to the child and 28 percent being UNABLE to sleep after everyone has FINALLY settled down for the night. RAGE.
8. Parenthood is 24 per cent Peppa Pig; 26 per cent In The Night Garden; 22 per cent Frozen; 28 percent pretending that my child doesn’t watch TV.
9. Parenthood is 18 per cent touching poo; 32 per cent smelling mysterious puddles to ascertain if it’s juice or wee and 50 per cent chiseling Weetabix off the table and chairs.
10. Parenthood is 100 per cent worth it.
