I have a toddler and he is rapidly becoming the single funniest, cutest, most adorable, loving person I have ever met.
And frustrating, never forget frustrating…
Parenting by Percentages: 10 Truths About Living With a Toddler:
1. Living with a toddler is…
50 % Leg hugs
50 % Grabbing their legs before they launch themselves off the couch.
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2. Living with a toddler is…
60 % Them running to hug you .
20 % Them running into oncoming traffic (terrifying).
And 20 % Them running into furniture.
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3. Living with a toddler is…
30 % Trying to put clothes on them.
30 % Trying to get the bloody clothes back off them.
20 % Trying to get them into the bath.
And 20 % Pleading with them to get out of the bath.
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4. Living with a toddler is…
18 % Making toast.
32 % Cutting the toast WRONG.
10 % Making even MORE toast.
And 40 % Picking untouched toast back up off the floor. Rage.
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5. Living with a toddler is…
2 % Making nutritious meals
And 98 % CHISELLING dried Weetabix off the furniture.
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6. Living with a toddler is…
22 % Spelling words
29 % Realising that there are a lot of words that you can’t spell
28 % Whispering to your co-parent about a sensitive issue (‘ice cream’ for example) and having them repeat what you just said back to you at a normal (or LOUDER) volume. Rage.
And 21 % Raging at your partner because now there is a chant of ‘ice cream, ice cream, ICE CREAM’ competing with my inner monologue chant of ‘wine, wine, WINE…’
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7. Living with a toddler is…
64 % Trying to open a packet of crisps COMPLETELY SILENTLY.
And 46 % Failing.
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8. Living with a toddler is…
1 % Thinking: “I’m Getting the hang of this”.
32 % Thinking: “F*CK, where is he???”
And 67 % Thinking: “My god where did he get that knife/scissors/lipstick/permanent marker/machine wash only light coloured cashmere jumper???”
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9. Living with a toddler is…
11 % Stepping on tiny, sharp, stabby little toys (LEGO, You are a diabolical fiend.)
9 % Stepping on really LOUD toys, when trying to sneak out of their bedroom.
30 % Stepping in unidentifiable goo.
23% Stepping in goo that is all too identifiable (it’s a partially digested banana and rice cake combo).
And 27 % Stepping away from the wine at 11am, even though it is SERIOUSLY tempting sometimes…
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10. Living with a toddler is…
100 % Absolute craic. Seriously they’re hilarious.
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