Do you believe that there are tricks that can induce labour?
Honestly, we couldn’t care less whether eating an eggplant with your head stuck up you mother-in-law’s skirt works to induce labour because reading about these is enough to have you in stitches, anyway.
Here’s a selection of our faves, in honour of Kate Middleton’s impending labour.
1. Pineapples
The fruit is said to ripen the cervix.
For us Do-able. Tesco and Aldi do good deals. We’ll waddle on down there.
For Kate There are probably a few hanging around the servant’s quarters. Somewhere.
2. Sperm
Yes. Sperm induces labour. Deny it all you like. The internet knows everything and the internet says you need to have sex. But, there are the times that not even a muscular man-eating grapes can entice you in the horizontal boogie, am I right, ladies?
For us OK animal instinct is one thing but, you can’t get your leg up over your head anymore. And your pink canoe is in no mood for a voyage of exploration of the carnal kind. So suck it up. [All risks considered].
For Kate “Would one like to share a delicious afternoon sperm-pop with myself and HRH” [Thats, eh, no].
3. Curb walking
One leg on the curb and one on the road. Walk along for a distance then, swap legs. In other words, look like a complete muppet shuffling along and when you explain what you are doing to onlookers, you sound like a complete bat. Sure, go for it if it helps.
For us ” There’s Josephine, she’ll fupping tell everyone. Fup it anyway.”
For Kate “Hmm… which vast, extensive property far away from serfdom shall I choose to curb crawl?”
4. Decorating
So, we know the palace probably doesn’t need much work. However, if something is supposed to work, we would at least advise Kate to give it a try, eh?
For us Literally, easy. Every room in this house needs an overhaul. We just choose one. We will be the ones doing it eventually, anyway.
For Kate “Oh, Wills my Prince. You perchance think we may hire Michael Flatley’s gold-leafing specialist to replace the month old guilding on the dining room [of tennis court size]?”
5. Nipple tweaking
Using a breast pump to release Oxytocin for one hour on a night brings on contractions. How romantic.
For us “Pass me the equipment there love.”
For Kate “Surely there is a less vulgar way of bringing the new Royal into the wonderful world?”
6. Rest and cuddles
From OH. Simple.
For us Easily done. Irish women have a strong capacity for identifying nuggets of hug and rest territory. Like when OH falls asleep or the entire house has been cleaned from top to bleetin’ bottom.
For Kate Rest? This woman could probably write a book on how to rest in various royal locations. Pftttt.
