There are certain things that make the challenge of Motherhood all the more difficult, like closing the door to the baby room when you get her to sleep, only to hear the following five minutes later: 1. the dog, who was obviously hiding under the baby’s cot for a snooze, pawing and crying at the door, trying to get out and, 2. your previously snoozing baby, wailing.
It’s days like that where you need all your wits about you; you need to have had a fair amount of sleep, a grand dose of caffeine under your belt and have nothing urgent that you were really banking on completing during nap time. Oh wait a minute, that’s NEVER, right?! Grab your Rescue Remedy and nod along to this list of really annoying shit that we hate dealing with:
1. The ice cream can
The psychopathic trill of this scoundrel’s ‘theme music’ only ever echoes through our estate just as I’m finally getting Jacob to sit down to dinner OR as I’m finally getting him to bed. Like, WTF is that ice cream van doing, looking for our kids at 8pm on a Wednesday night?!
2. Lego
Look, we all love Lego and it’s almost a right of passage to be a kid and have shed loads of the stuff. But the fact is that little tiny kids have no respect for little tiny pieces of Lego! They fling them with abandon in doorways, under rugs and into your shoes. I forward a motion for the banning of the sale of pieces under the general size and weight of a dumbbell, destined for anyone under the age of seven. Who’s with me?!
3. Sweets at the checkout
I’m aware that some large retailers have taken the loudly applauded step to remove sweets and chocolate at checkout, but there are still loads of places that haven’t. They keep them right there, in plain sight and reach of those velcro-like hands belonging to your kid. And then they won’t help you pack your shopping bags while you try to simultaneously pay for your purchases, and wrestle your now tantrum-throwing kid from a box of chocolate liqueurs. Grrrr…
4. Toy Stores
Yes, all of them. No matter where you are; grabbing an ‘ole hanging basket from the hardware store, or some fruit and veg from a local supplier, there always seems to be either a massive toy store giant with a waving inflatable dinosaur, or a boutique (read: really expensive) toy shop nearby. Call me paranoid but I’m full sure they transmit subliminal messages to our kids along the lines of this: ‘Kick the back of the driver seat until they give in. We have an actual Batman car here for twenty squillion euro with your name on it. Do it, do it now!‘ Bastards.
5. The Unexpected Door Knock
You know who I’m talking about, the over-the-top smiley shitebag who is actually WAVING at you through the window by your front door, as you scowl up the hallway in a stressed-out flurry of barking dog, wailing baby and shouting toddler, all of whom are wearing the pasta dish you had been trying to get into them. Of course it’s dinner time; there IS no better time to call to a home in a housing estate that is comprised entirely of young families. You are one seriously brave dude….
6. Out Of Order Bathrooms
When a kid needs to wee, they need to wee NOW. You get approximately seven seconds’ warning that something is a-brewing. If you are lucky enough to be in a small forest, like we were last week for example, a sudden poo situation (or ‘SPS’ as we like to call it in our house), is no problem. But if you are in your local shopping centre, for example, and get the heads up that there is about to be an explosion, it’s a totally different story. You know the drill: you fling all the items you were desperate to buy into a pile on the shop floor, lift said toddler onto your hip and get busy navigating your baby and buggy with one hand at high speed to the toilets. This journey will be accompanied by this soundtrack, ‘I need to go now‘, ‘I really need to go’, ‘mammy, I think a little bit of poo is coming out’. ‘Hold it IN, son!’ you order him, as you engage Turbo Boost Power and REALLY run the last few yards….around the corner…to an ‘OUT OF SERVICE’ sign where the door to the jacks should be. Nooooooo!!!!
What other things drive you around the twist, I’d love to hear them! You can send me an e-mail me at sharyn.hayden@HerFamily.ie
